Simply Sneaky
Thursday, November 26, 2009
2:28am
What am I doing up?? Ugh. Couldn't sleep and thought I would wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.
I need to get up in a few hours and make a couple of pies so I really should go try to sleep.
Too may thoughts whirling thru my head I guess.
I need to get up in a few hours and make a couple of pies so I really should go try to sleep.
Too may thoughts whirling thru my head I guess.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
What?
I figured if my buddy, innocent, can post every day for while, I might as well give it a shot, too. I make no promises, though.
Lest anyone think that I sit around wallowing in my depressive, empty nest, pity pot... I must set that record straight. As hard as it is to get myself going, shower, dress and act the part of a "normal" breathing human being, I do it each and every day.
I take classes 3 mornings a week and spend time each day doing homework for those classes. The classes I am taking this session are Computer 4, Critical Thinking, and Speech Craft. None of them are that enjoyable, actually all are pretty icky, but they do fill my time and stretch the cob webs of my mind a bit.
I also spend several hours each day job searching on line. Reading, applying and sending out my information.
I clean, do laundry, talk to my sister on the phone at least once and harvest my crops on farmtown. :)
I am also working on a flyer to send out to people about my photography business. I read lots of websites geared toward photography and try to learn as much about it as I can.
Then I also take pictures. Yesterday, I went to a small body of water near here. Not sure if it is a little lake? or what, but whatever it is, it is a pretty little spot. Calm and peaceful and picturesque and almost country like in the middle of this metropolis. I walked around it and snapped pictures of the beautiful (and noisy) mallard ducks and cat tails. As I stood and gazed, my mind full of thoughts, an older gentleman and his dog walked up to me. The man and I chatted about the ducks, and other basic topics before he and his dog (named Kelly, who was a retired service dog, I learned) moved along down the path around the lake.
I soon sat down on a bench at the edge of the water and changed my camera lens and just watched the ducks and listened to them 'talk' to each other. A tween aged boy and his father rode up on bikes and stopped near me. The boy had some bread in a plastic bag and said that he was going to feed the ducks. Maybe he could make them come close to me so that I could get some good pictures? Yes, that would be nice, I told him. Many pictures were taken and the ducks bellies were full.
The boy and his dad and I discussed cameras, their love of photography and mine. It was nice and they rode away and I walked back to my car.
In that hour's time I relaxed a bit and enjoyed nature. I also stepped out of my comfort zone a tad bit, by talking to strangers. With depression and anxiety comes fear for me. Talking to strangers makes me feel anxious and scared. I know this is directly related to the depression and anxiety because I never had that feeling before. So. That's that.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Just gonna ramble....
Things are much the same for me.
Yesterday, I got a whopping 8 rejection emails for jobs that I have applied for. I am slowly weeding out places that seem to always be advertising that they are hiring, but never seem to hire. It's depressing to open my email inbox and see all the "we thank you for your interest..blah, blah, fucking blah" all the same, just a different place.
Once upon a time, I said that I would NEVER wait tables again. This was after closing the cafe that the ex and I owned. Ha, when I said never, it never dawned on me that yes, darling, at some point you will be applying to wait tables again. At this point, I will do pretty much anything to start moving fucking forward again. Today, I have applied at three eating joints and to be a housekeeper at a hotel. I don't even really care anymore, that's the sad part. Just find SOMETHING, anything to fill my days and pay me enough money to live on.
One thing that is funny, weird funny, not haha funny, is that things go through my head that if someone else said them? I would either laugh or think what a pathetic person. For example, it goes through my head that this is probably some kind of punishment from the powers that be...for all the things I have done wrong in the past say, oh, 10 years or so. For every time I have hurt someone and for every time I wasted money on some frivolous magazine or reese's peanut butter cup. It's like the universe is saying see? you stupid broad, this is what you get. See? you should have known better. So there.
I have been living with the bf since February. So that's around 9 months. Never did I dream I wouldn't have a job by now. Or an apartment of my own. Or groceries that I bought to eat. I feel like a real schlep and a mega moocher. Yes, I do housework, laundry and kid care but it doesn't seem to be enough to me. I don't feel like it equals out. I don't like that feeling. at all. I don't like feeling guilty for eating food and I don't like thinking about what others are probably thinking of me. Schlep. Moocher. Lazy.
The "empty nest" syndrome has hit me hard. I knew that when my kids left home and were out on their own that it would be different. I knew that it would be hard. I knew that everyone goes through it. What I didn't know was how hard it was actually going to be! Jeebus. Trying to set up a time to get together with all the kids for Thanksgiving.
I do know that IF I was working, I would not have so much time on my hands and mind and that a lot of things that worry me and bother me daily would be blocked out by busy-ness.
Yesterday, I got a whopping 8 rejection emails for jobs that I have applied for. I am slowly weeding out places that seem to always be advertising that they are hiring, but never seem to hire. It's depressing to open my email inbox and see all the "we thank you for your interest..blah, blah, fucking blah" all the same, just a different place.
Once upon a time, I said that I would NEVER wait tables again. This was after closing the cafe that the ex and I owned. Ha, when I said never, it never dawned on me that yes, darling, at some point you will be applying to wait tables again. At this point, I will do pretty much anything to start moving fucking forward again. Today, I have applied at three eating joints and to be a housekeeper at a hotel. I don't even really care anymore, that's the sad part. Just find SOMETHING, anything to fill my days and pay me enough money to live on.
One thing that is funny, weird funny, not haha funny, is that things go through my head that if someone else said them? I would either laugh or think what a pathetic person. For example, it goes through my head that this is probably some kind of punishment from the powers that be...for all the things I have done wrong in the past say, oh, 10 years or so. For every time I have hurt someone and for every time I wasted money on some frivolous magazine or reese's peanut butter cup. It's like the universe is saying see? you stupid broad, this is what you get. See? you should have known better. So there.
I have been living with the bf since February. So that's around 9 months. Never did I dream I wouldn't have a job by now. Or an apartment of my own. Or groceries that I bought to eat. I feel like a real schlep and a mega moocher. Yes, I do housework, laundry and kid care but it doesn't seem to be enough to me. I don't feel like it equals out. I don't like that feeling. at all. I don't like feeling guilty for eating food and I don't like thinking about what others are probably thinking of me. Schlep. Moocher. Lazy.
The "empty nest" syndrome has hit me hard. I knew that when my kids left home and were out on their own that it would be different. I knew that it would be hard. I knew that everyone goes through it. What I didn't know was how hard it was actually going to be! Jeebus. Trying to set up a time to get together with all the kids for Thanksgiving.
I do know that IF I was working, I would not have so much time on my hands and mind and that a lot of things that worry me and bother me daily would be blocked out by busy-ness.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Update, finally.
Yes, I am still here. It's been a long time since I updated.
I just got back in town yesterday from a 4 day trip with the bf and his daughters.
His family always rents cabins "up north" in the fall for a family get together.
The weather was beautiful, even if quite chilly and the trees. OH the trees. So beautiful and colorful.
I just could not get over how pretty everything was and how quiet and peaceful the woods can be.
Sitting by the lake in the morning with a cup of coffee and soaking in the cool morning air was great.
On our way back we stopped at the south shore of Lake Superior. I have never seen such a large body of water! We walked along the beach and picked up rocks, wrote in the sand and I even stripped off my shoes and socks and walked in the water and yeeeouch! was that ever cold.
Then it was back home to reality.
I have been cough, accused, cough of being overly dramatic about things. And yes, that is probably true in some instances. However, things for me personally have not gotten much better.
I am still without a job and still looking.
My unemployment insurance will run out in approximately a month.
My health insurance got messed up somehow, and was cancelled at the end of last month. That is going to take a lot of paperwork to get going again. Plus, I will have to cancel an appt to have a med check done because if I go I will have to pay for it and that just isn't possible. So I am just hoping that I stay healthy until I get that going again.
My daughter is having health issues, that I am hoping are minor, but won't know for sure until I can get her in to the dr. Her health insurance was also cancelled due to some kind of shenanigan that her dad pulled and I don't know where the money is going to come for that, but her health is more important then money, so I guess they will just have to bill me for it.
My car crapped out last week. I had been saving up for a couple of weeks to get some new tires on the front, but now it isn't running. It over heated and I am not sure if one of the hoses busted or what, but it's down for the count until I can figure out the problem and get it worked on.
The kid's dad may lose his driver's license due to the medication he takes, it makes him not an attentive driver. While I do believe it would be better IF he didn't drive for the safety of everyone, it also causes issues of mobility for him. My oldest son is still living with him while looking for work since he graduated from college and I don't want him to feel like he "has" to stay with his dad to care for him and drive him around. His driving isn't really my problem, but when it affects my children then it becomes my problem.
So. That's that.
Stress. I am back on a good old antidepressant and some blood pressure medicine.
I have been working on a photography website. Taking pictures all over the place and hopefully will get a few freelance jobs taking photos for people. Check it out if you would like. :)
www.prairiedreamerphotography.webs.com
I just got back in town yesterday from a 4 day trip with the bf and his daughters.
His family always rents cabins "up north" in the fall for a family get together.
The weather was beautiful, even if quite chilly and the trees. OH the trees. So beautiful and colorful.
I just could not get over how pretty everything was and how quiet and peaceful the woods can be.
Sitting by the lake in the morning with a cup of coffee and soaking in the cool morning air was great.
On our way back we stopped at the south shore of Lake Superior. I have never seen such a large body of water! We walked along the beach and picked up rocks, wrote in the sand and I even stripped off my shoes and socks and walked in the water and yeeeouch! was that ever cold.
Then it was back home to reality.
I have been cough, accused, cough of being overly dramatic about things. And yes, that is probably true in some instances. However, things for me personally have not gotten much better.
I am still without a job and still looking.
My unemployment insurance will run out in approximately a month.
My health insurance got messed up somehow, and was cancelled at the end of last month. That is going to take a lot of paperwork to get going again. Plus, I will have to cancel an appt to have a med check done because if I go I will have to pay for it and that just isn't possible. So I am just hoping that I stay healthy until I get that going again.
My daughter is having health issues, that I am hoping are minor, but won't know for sure until I can get her in to the dr. Her health insurance was also cancelled due to some kind of shenanigan that her dad pulled and I don't know where the money is going to come for that, but her health is more important then money, so I guess they will just have to bill me for it.
My car crapped out last week. I had been saving up for a couple of weeks to get some new tires on the front, but now it isn't running. It over heated and I am not sure if one of the hoses busted or what, but it's down for the count until I can figure out the problem and get it worked on.
The kid's dad may lose his driver's license due to the medication he takes, it makes him not an attentive driver. While I do believe it would be better IF he didn't drive for the safety of everyone, it also causes issues of mobility for him. My oldest son is still living with him while looking for work since he graduated from college and I don't want him to feel like he "has" to stay with his dad to care for him and drive him around. His driving isn't really my problem, but when it affects my children then it becomes my problem.
So. That's that.
Stress. I am back on a good old antidepressant and some blood pressure medicine.
I have been working on a photography website. Taking pictures all over the place and hopefully will get a few freelance jobs taking photos for people. Check it out if you would like. :)
www.prairiedreamerphotography.webs.com
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I went on a road trip with my oldest son. He has a job interview in another state and so I went along.
We had so much fun laughing and talking. It was about 725 miles round trip and I crossed the Mississippi river 6 times in one day.
I really hope he gets the job. However, if he doesn't, there will be another one, but this one seems to be a great fit for him.
We stopped on the way back and saw my daughter at college. She seems to be settling in well and I am so proud of the fact that she has started immersing herself in college life. She has joined intermural volleyball and some other campus groups. Seems she is making some new friends. I know how hard that is to do and I am so glad she is doing it :)
That's all for now.
We had so much fun laughing and talking. It was about 725 miles round trip and I crossed the Mississippi river 6 times in one day.
I really hope he gets the job. However, if he doesn't, there will be another one, but this one seems to be a great fit for him.
We stopped on the way back and saw my daughter at college. She seems to be settling in well and I am so proud of the fact that she has started immersing herself in college life. She has joined intermural volleyball and some other campus groups. Seems she is making some new friends. I know how hard that is to do and I am so glad she is doing it :)
That's all for now.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Angry. Rant.
I feel very, very stuck.
I am "in" with the "normal" "smart" people who know how things work. They know all the interviewing techniques, all the "right" way to apply for jobs, the right things to say, the right way to smile, the right way to dress. I have the best damn resume that you have ever seen. Well, it is presented nicely anyway. I didn't go to Harvard or anything. I know how to write the "right" cover letter, I have my fucking references all lined up neatly to the left.
I have taken so many, many classes in the last 9 months that I know how this all works. I should be gainfully employed. But, no. I sit here angry and angrier as one day rolls into the next. Nothing accomplished except online job applications for jobs that I really don't want anyway.. but fuck. That is what I am "supposed" to do. Apply for jobs that suck, that I don't want. Then get a job that I don't want because that is what "everyone" does. One must work to make that money. I get that. I haven't lost all my marbles, yet. I am still hanging on to a couple of those cat's eyes and aggies.
What I am the most angry about is this. I don't WANT a job that sucks. I want to do something that I enjoy!
And here is where the anger and frustration and self centeredness come in.
Dammit. I want to do something I like, something that I enjoy, something that I don't have to will myself to get up in the morning to do and hate every second that I am doing it.
Why is that not going to be possible for me?? HMMM?? Well, because I don't have the resources to start a business of my own, or the money to live on while I go back to school to get a certificate or degree or whatever. Yes, President Obama wants all the Moms to go back to school! YAY! Wouldn't that be wonderful if we all could?? But, fuck, somehow one has to live while attending school and that takes money.
I have NO credit, so that isn't an option.
So yes, I am fucked and I am angry. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to do something once for ME and feel good about it.
However, that ain't gonna happen sista.
No, no it won't.
and that makes me so angry that I could explode.
I am "in" with the "normal" "smart" people who know how things work. They know all the interviewing techniques, all the "right" way to apply for jobs, the right things to say, the right way to smile, the right way to dress. I have the best damn resume that you have ever seen. Well, it is presented nicely anyway. I didn't go to Harvard or anything. I know how to write the "right" cover letter, I have my fucking references all lined up neatly to the left.
I have taken so many, many classes in the last 9 months that I know how this all works. I should be gainfully employed. But, no. I sit here angry and angrier as one day rolls into the next. Nothing accomplished except online job applications for jobs that I really don't want anyway.. but fuck. That is what I am "supposed" to do. Apply for jobs that suck, that I don't want. Then get a job that I don't want because that is what "everyone" does. One must work to make that money. I get that. I haven't lost all my marbles, yet. I am still hanging on to a couple of those cat's eyes and aggies.
What I am the most angry about is this. I don't WANT a job that sucks. I want to do something that I enjoy!
And here is where the anger and frustration and self centeredness come in.
Dammit. I want to do something I like, something that I enjoy, something that I don't have to will myself to get up in the morning to do and hate every second that I am doing it.
Why is that not going to be possible for me?? HMMM?? Well, because I don't have the resources to start a business of my own, or the money to live on while I go back to school to get a certificate or degree or whatever. Yes, President Obama wants all the Moms to go back to school! YAY! Wouldn't that be wonderful if we all could?? But, fuck, somehow one has to live while attending school and that takes money.
I have NO credit, so that isn't an option.
So yes, I am fucked and I am angry. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to do something once for ME and feel good about it.
However, that ain't gonna happen sista.
No, no it won't.
and that makes me so angry that I could explode.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Hard to believe that summer is coming to an end already.
We have had THE most beautiful weather lately. 70's during the day and 4o's at night. I could handle this year 'round!
I am excited as this afternoon the bf and I are going to the State fair. It should be a lot of fun. I love looking at all the animals and people watching and of course, eating some sort of crappy not good for me food. Namely, cotton candy! Mmmmm. I have loved it since I was a kid!
Tomorrow I go with my daughter and get her set up in her dorm. College for her starts Tuesday! She is all kinds of excited and I am so excited for her! It's a three hour drive from the city I live in, which sounds close, but still seems far away when it's my baby going there :)
The oldest has been living with his dad for the last couple of months since he finished college and is looking for a job. It is NOT an ideal situation and I hope that he can find a job and his own place soon. It's not that his dad treats him bad or anything, far from it, but his dad IS mentally ill and believe me, it is not fun living with that. I don't want him to get "stuck" living there and feel that he can't leave. He has some job interviews coming up next week, so, finger's crossed that he gets a job and soon!
I haven't spoken to the kid's dad in quite some time. The last time we spoke he pulled some of his shenanigans and I decided that that was it. At this point in time, I cannot be friends with him. It is best to just have no contact, for my own mental health. I am so far past letting him treat me like shit anymore. Just not gonna take it. I think he has finally got the message as he has not tried to contact me and that is great to me. It's not necessarily the way I wanted it to work. I would have rather had it be more cordial, but as my sister says "You cannot be married and divorced at the same time." It's time to move on from all that.
I am still plodding along looking for a job.
Been working on my photography and really enjoying that. Also, setting up a photo blog for that and will link it here when I get it all together.
It's a long weekend and that suits me just fine. I have a computer class this morning and then off to the fair!!!
We have had THE most beautiful weather lately. 70's during the day and 4o's at night. I could handle this year 'round!
I am excited as this afternoon the bf and I are going to the State fair. It should be a lot of fun. I love looking at all the animals and people watching and of course, eating some sort of crappy not good for me food. Namely, cotton candy! Mmmmm. I have loved it since I was a kid!
Tomorrow I go with my daughter and get her set up in her dorm. College for her starts Tuesday! She is all kinds of excited and I am so excited for her! It's a three hour drive from the city I live in, which sounds close, but still seems far away when it's my baby going there :)
The oldest has been living with his dad for the last couple of months since he finished college and is looking for a job. It is NOT an ideal situation and I hope that he can find a job and his own place soon. It's not that his dad treats him bad or anything, far from it, but his dad IS mentally ill and believe me, it is not fun living with that. I don't want him to get "stuck" living there and feel that he can't leave. He has some job interviews coming up next week, so, finger's crossed that he gets a job and soon!
I haven't spoken to the kid's dad in quite some time. The last time we spoke he pulled some of his shenanigans and I decided that that was it. At this point in time, I cannot be friends with him. It is best to just have no contact, for my own mental health. I am so far past letting him treat me like shit anymore. Just not gonna take it. I think he has finally got the message as he has not tried to contact me and that is great to me. It's not necessarily the way I wanted it to work. I would have rather had it be more cordial, but as my sister says "You cannot be married and divorced at the same time." It's time to move on from all that.
I am still plodding along looking for a job.
Been working on my photography and really enjoying that. Also, setting up a photo blog for that and will link it here when I get it all together.
It's a long weekend and that suits me just fine. I have a computer class this morning and then off to the fair!!!
