Simply Sneaky

Yes, I am still here. It's been a long time since I updated.
I just got back in town yesterday from a 4 day trip with the bf and his daughters.
His family always rents cabins "up north" in the fall for a family get together.
The weather was beautiful, even if quite chilly and the trees. OH the trees. So beautiful and colorful.
I just could not get over how pretty everything was and how quiet and peaceful the woods can be.
Sitting by the lake in the morning with a cup of coffee and soaking in the cool morning air was great.
On our way back we stopped at the south shore of Lake Superior. I have never seen such a large body of water! We walked along the beach and picked up rocks, wrote in the sand and I even stripped off my shoes and socks and walked in the water and yeeeouch! was that ever cold.

Then it was back home to reality.

I have been cough, accused, cough of being overly dramatic about things. And yes, that is probably true in some instances. However, things for me personally have not gotten much better.

I am still without a job and still looking.

My unemployment insurance will run out in approximately a month.

My health insurance got messed up somehow, and was cancelled at the end of last month. That is going to take a lot of paperwork to get going again. Plus, I will have to cancel an appt to have a med check done because if I go I will have to pay for it and that just isn't possible. So I am just hoping that I stay healthy until I get that going again.

My daughter is having health issues, that I am hoping are minor, but won't know for sure until I can get her in to the dr. Her health insurance was also cancelled due to some kind of shenanigan that her dad pulled and I don't know where the money is going to come for that, but her health is more important then money, so I guess they will just have to bill me for it.

My car crapped out last week. I had been saving up for a couple of weeks to get some new tires on the front, but now it isn't running. It over heated and I am not sure if one of the hoses busted or what, but it's down for the count until I can figure out the problem and get it worked on.

The kid's dad may lose his driver's license due to the medication he takes, it makes him not an attentive driver. While I do believe it would be better IF he didn't drive for the safety of everyone, it also causes issues of mobility for him. My oldest son is still living with him while looking for work since he graduated from college and I don't want him to feel like he "has" to stay with his dad to care for him and drive him around. His driving isn't really my problem, but when it affects my children then it becomes my problem.

So. That's that.

Stress. I am back on a good old antidepressant and some blood pressure medicine.

I have been working on a photography website. Taking pictures all over the place and hopefully will get a few freelance jobs taking photos for people. Check it out if you would like. :)

www.prairiedreamerphotography.webs.com

I went on a road trip with my oldest son. He has a job interview in another state and so I went along.
We had so much fun laughing and talking. It was about 725 miles round trip and I crossed the Mississippi river 6 times in one day.
I really hope he gets the job. However, if he doesn't, there will be another one, but this one seems to be a great fit for him.
We stopped on the way back and saw my daughter at college. She seems to be settling in well and I am so proud of the fact that she has started immersing herself in college life. She has joined intermural volleyball and some other campus groups. Seems she is making some new friends. I know how hard that is to do and I am so glad she is doing it :)
That's all for now.

I feel very, very stuck.
I am "in" with the "normal" "smart" people who know how things work. They know all the interviewing techniques, all the "right" way to apply for jobs, the right things to say, the right way to smile, the right way to dress. I have the best damn resume that you have ever seen. Well, it is presented nicely anyway. I didn't go to Harvard or anything. I know how to write the "right" cover letter, I have my fucking references all lined up neatly to the left.
I have taken so many, many classes in the last 9 months that I know how this all works. I should be gainfully employed. But, no. I sit here angry and angrier as one day rolls into the next. Nothing accomplished except online job applications for jobs that I really don't want anyway.. but fuck. That is what I am "supposed" to do. Apply for jobs that suck, that I don't want. Then get a job that I don't want because that is what "everyone" does. One must work to make that money. I get that. I haven't lost all my marbles, yet. I am still hanging on to a couple of those cat's eyes and aggies.
What I am the most angry about is this. I don't WANT a job that sucks. I want to do something that I enjoy!
And here is where the anger and frustration and self centeredness come in.
Dammit. I want to do something I like, something that I enjoy, something that I don't have to will myself to get up in the morning to do and hate every second that I am doing it.
Why is that not going to be possible for me?? HMMM?? Well, because I don't have the resources to start a business of my own, or the money to live on while I go back to school to get a certificate or degree or whatever. Yes, President Obama wants all the Moms to go back to school! YAY! Wouldn't that be wonderful if we all could?? But, fuck, somehow one has to live while attending school and that takes money.
I have NO credit, so that isn't an option.
So yes, I am fucked and I am angry. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to do something once for ME and feel good about it.
However, that ain't gonna happen sista.
No, no it won't.
and that makes me so angry that I could explode.

Hard to believe that summer is coming to an end already.
We have had THE most beautiful weather lately. 70's during the day and 4o's at night. I could handle this year 'round!

I am excited as this afternoon the bf and I are going to the State fair. It should be a lot of fun. I love looking at all the animals and people watching and of course, eating some sort of crappy not good for me food. Namely, cotton candy! Mmmmm. I have loved it since I was a kid!

Tomorrow I go with my daughter and get her set up in her dorm. College for her starts Tuesday! She is all kinds of excited and I am so excited for her! It's a three hour drive from the city I live in, which sounds close, but still seems far away when it's my baby going there :)

The oldest has been living with his dad for the last couple of months since he finished college and is looking for a job. It is NOT an ideal situation and I hope that he can find a job and his own place soon. It's not that his dad treats him bad or anything, far from it, but his dad IS mentally ill and believe me, it is not fun living with that. I don't want him to get "stuck" living there and feel that he can't leave. He has some job interviews coming up next week, so, finger's crossed that he gets a job and soon!

I haven't spoken to the kid's dad in quite some time. The last time we spoke he pulled some of his shenanigans and I decided that that was it. At this point in time, I cannot be friends with him. It is best to just have no contact, for my own mental health. I am so far past letting him treat me like shit anymore. Just not gonna take it. I think he has finally got the message as he has not tried to contact me and that is great to me. It's not necessarily the way I wanted it to work. I would have rather had it be more cordial, but as my sister says "You cannot be married and divorced at the same time." It's time to move on from all that.

I am still plodding along looking for a job.

Been working on my photography and really enjoying that. Also, setting up a photo blog for that and will link it here when I get it all together.

It's a long weekend and that suits me just fine. I have a computer class this morning and then off to the fair!!!

Here I sit.
thinking, thinking.

I am so tired of everything in my life depending on money. Ha. I am sure some of you are laughing at that. That's ok. You are probably thinking... duh... everyone's life depends on money.
And yes, to some extent it does.
I do know that some of the happiest times of my life, were when I didn't have much money. I have lived all my life on the poorer side. Never have I had money to just "blow" or have money to spend that I didn't constantly worry that if/when I spent it that I wouldn't need it next week.

I don't have a problem living frugally. Not at all. Actually, in the past months I have been reading a lot of blogs and news pieces on living more frugally. Living simply.

Wasting money rubs me the wrong way. Frivolous spending makes my stomach churn. I believe it is all in the way I was raised. My parents were farmers and yes, they owned land and tractors and animals and had some money in the bank. But, we kids didn't know that. We were not privy to any information about our parent's finances. There was NO frivolous spending. None. My mom butchered and gardened and canned and mended clothes and we made do with very little outside "bought" things. I can count on one hand the number of times we ate out at a restaurant when I was a child. No joke.

As I survey what I actually own, at 44 years of age, it rather frightens me. I own my jeep (very old, but runs), I own a dining room table and chairs, a book case, my computer, a camera, and about 20 boxes of sentimental stuff and misc art and kitchen supplies packed in the bf's garage. Clothes and shoes. That. is. it. I wouldn't make 500 bucks if I sold it all today at a garage sale.
So anyway. I already do live frugally. Live simply.

I am sure there are lots more ways that I could cut back. I find it interesting to read about it. At least it gives me something to do, besides applying for jobs. Which, btw, I am sick and tired of doing. But, oh well.

I would really like to just go back to self employment. But, without credit and start up capitol that is pretty much out of the question.

High on my list of wishes is finding a place to live. Currently I stay with the bf, but I really need to get my own place. I really wish I could find a place before winter and the holidays. But again. No credit, no money, no job.

I am sure at some point this will all fall into place. It will, right? I keep telling myself that, because that is about all I have left. Hope. And that is stretched pretty fucking thin at the moment.

The bf has been on a trip for the last couple of days.
My daughter came up and stayed with me for most of 3 days and 2 nights.
She is such a wonderful young woman and we had such a good time hanging out and just being together.
We went shopping for all of her college "stuff" and I believe that now one of our local discount stores can stay open one more day because of our spending :)
We also hit some yard sales and some thrift stores and got every thing that was on her list.
This is SUCH an exciting time for her. She is really excited to get to college. I am so, so happy that she has this opportunity. That she is doing what every young person should do. Spread their wings and enjoy their youth.
My boys also did this same thing, but for some reason, this is different. Maybe because we are both girls? I dunno..but I am so happy and proud of her.
Next weekend, we will move her into her dorm and get her settled a little bit.

Tonight I am alone and piddling around the house. Organizing some of my art stuff and other belongings.

I have had a lot of time to think now that I am unemployed again. What to do? Where is my life heading? I haven't come up with a good answer yet.

I have not known anyone close or personal who has committed suicide, but I know of people who have. I remember thinking... How sad that that person didn't reach out to someone. How sad that the person felt that there was no one, not one single solitary person who could help them.

When a person is that depressed, that anxious, that mentally unstable...telling someone the things that are going on in your head is super scary. You must trust that person. Must trust that they will not think you are some kind of wack job...some kind of freakish monster.

So. It isn't easy spilling those kind of thoughts to just anyone.

Then there is the whole "omg I don't want to burden" someone thinking.
All sorts of things go through one's mind when one is in that state. Maybe they won't believe me? Maybe they will be scared of me? Maybe they will no longer love me because I am "crazy"?
The questions, doubts and concerns really become too much. Too much to think about in an already filled up head.

How do I know these things you might ask? Well. Because I have lived them. Am living them to some degree.

I have always been lucky enough to never step that far into hopelessness. Close.. so very, very close but never crossed that line. I have always sworn to myself that I would never, ever hurt myself because in doing so it would hurt my children tremendously. That thought alone, those children, have kept me going for a long time.

At this moment I am pretty fucking down on life. Down on myself. I could go into some of the things that go through my head, but really? Do you want to hear how I feel like a walking, talking, overweight crazy piece of dog shit? I doubt it. Not too many people would. Well, I suppose someone I paid, like a therapist would be very glad.

I need to find several things. I need to find a way to get rid of the pain that is inside me. I am so sick of it. Sick of constantly having something clawing at my insides trying to get out. I need to find some sort of direction in my life. Something to plan and dream for. Something to look forward to, a goal to achieve. I need to find a friend. I need to feel settled again.

But first, I suppose, I need to sleep and stop my thoughts.